Luahan Hati

Assalamualaikum.

Okay mesti korang pelik kan sebab setiap entri aku post tajuk macam sedih2 je. Aku tak happy ke dengan life aku?? tak bersyukur betol. Act bukan x bersyukur kerana setiap cerita dan setiap perkara yg aku buat ada sebabnya. Tahun baru ni x de perkara yang berubah pon still hati ini kosongg. Kenapa entri kali ni bertajuk luahan hati? sebab aku nk luahkan perkara yg terpendam since awal 2015 hingga akhir 2015. Hidup kan umpama roda kadangkala kita diatas kadangkala kita di bawah. cehhh sejak bila tukar profession jdi ahli falsafah ni. hahaha. ada masa aku happy ada masa aku sedih dan ada masa aku takut. Takut?? sebb apa ?? bak kata lirik ni "ku takut sungguh takut, takut kehilangan mu," fuhh sedap kan aku nyanyi.. k perasan. lepas ni aku bg sorang satu ear plug k. hahaha.

So back to the luahan hati. nak luah apa? kenapa takut? ok hidup sebagai seorang "bi" aku kena takut pda macam2 perkara. Terutama sekali hati dan perasaan. aku nak flashback kejap - aku start diheret masuk ke dunia terbalik ni since 12. Time tu aku still budak hingusan setahun jagung cili padi semua lah - Tragedi tu yg membuatkan dimana aq berdiri sekarang perasan suka dekat lelaki dan perempuan. Pernah dulu aku kenal sorang girl kat uni and dia kira junior lah. Aku kenal dia dekat insta tgh scroll2 jumpa gambar dia. Aku like je. hahaha pya x berani nk tegur. Then x lama lepas tu aku jmpa dia dekat padang time tu aku main satu sport ni kebetulan dia pon main sport yg sama. Ok pastu dari situ kitorang bertukar wechat id and dri wechat ke whatsapp. Tapi x setiap hari la kitorang contact. kalau jmpa kat mana2 dlm uni tegur2 gitu je.. Sampai ada satu masa ni aku ajk dia dinner sekali dekat cafe. jenggg jengg jenggg..nak tau apa jadi lepas tu? hahahah. nothing happen pon.. aku pelik and korang pon mesti pelik kan.. aku pon x tau knapa aku boleh rasa pelik. pelik pelik.. hahaha ok ckop2 la merapu. I cant open my heart for her literally speaking. cewahhhh berspeaking bagai.. ehh hellooo cmon its 2k16 rn duhhh.. hahaha.. over.

Seriously aku x boleh nk suka dia padahal awal2 dlu aku suka dia cuma x boleh nk bwk dia masuk dlm hati aku.. korang paham tak? buat2 paham je lah.. hahahs byk kali jugak date dgn dia but i feel nothing.. despite of my feeling for someone during first year unrequited. i try to give other people chance but failed.. So kitorang stay as a friend. Ada jugak kes dimana waktu tu first year aku kat uni, aku try usya classmate aku. girl of course hahaha gila nk usya jantan mampos aku kne rejam. hahaha.. but pada masa tu aku x feel langsing kat perempuan. Da sangap kat batang pulak dahh waktu tu. Habes smua laki yg aku people nearby kt wechat aku nk add. Ada la sorang dua yg sangkut. hahahaha.. And salah sorangnya bdak degree. FYI aku bdak dip je.. huhuhu. Tak sangka dia accept friend req aku tu.. so aku pon start la conversation thanks dgn harapan dia tk reply.. tapiiiii apa yg jdi korang mesti dpt agak kan.. hahah. aku terkejut bila dia reply time tu jantung aku berdebar mcm nk terkeluar dah. hahah hiperbola sungguh. so sembang kejap2 je. tak lama tu aku mendiamkan diri. Tak de mood pulak nak layan jantan.. last year aku try contact dia through wechat and mntk no ws dia. So dari situ aku jd rapat skit la ngn dia and first time aku jumpa dia time puasa dekat bazar ramadan kat uni aku. tapi aku x tegur depan2 coz i got no guts to tegur dia.. hahaha aku cuma bgitau dia kat whatsapp..

"weh wan aku nampak kau tadi dekat bazar. sombong gila kau lalu sebelah kot"

"laa yeke.. aku tak perasan lah. kau asal x tegur aku? 

"aku segan. hehe.. kau da la putih peloles cute bibir pink"

and the rest is history..

hahhah lepas tu baru aku date dgn dia lunch sekali kat cafe.. tapi aku ni mcm ni lah.. dah mcm air laut ada pasang surutnya.. hhaha kejap layan kejap x layan..

Sekarang ni je aku confused sgt2.. adakah aku gay atau "bi". aku confused sbb aku try jalin kan hubungan dengan wanita merangkap junior aku satu course. tapi aku tak boleh terima dia. hati aku x nak. hmmm.. part aku dgn dia nnt aku cerita lagi kt entri lain.. smpai sni je dlu.. nak cerita panjang lebar aku penat nk menaip hahaha.. sorry tapi aku sure akan update lain k..

gimme some advice please. how to overcome this problem. i need to find the solution but i can do i alone my knowledge isnt enough. Your experience will help me. thank youu muahhhh..

P/s: aku da lama x update kat blog sbb laptop aku rosak.. kesian kena operate nasib baik kawan aku pakar bedah it.. tau la dia apa nak buat. ehehr.. sekarang ni pon aku update guna phone tu yg x larat nk typing panjang2.. hope korang boleh terima apa yg aku post. see yaa later*british accent*

#HSP 19 : M O V I N G O N 1

Assalamualaikum wbt.. 

Dear reader.. 



Sorry.. 
Aku tak de benda nak cerita pasal kehidupan songsang aku dekat korang.. 
Aku tak de "sweat and sour" gay stories macam korang.. 
Story of my gay life would be like this

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------NO STORY--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aku dah malas nak menaruh harapan dekat sesiapa either boys or girls.. Im not feeling happy, sad, excited, disappointed etc.. My soul's getting fade everyday and i dont know how to stop it.. 
pintu hati aku dah tertutup and takkan bukak balik until i found one person yang really2 serious for a relationship... 

Sometimes bila nak nasihatkan orang tu senang.. but bila benda tu jadi kat kita jatuh tersungkur tersembam.. datanglah beribu org nasihatkan kita but you would still feel the same.. Berserah pada Allah.. Masa tetap akan tiba.. 

Aku keliru dengan perasaan sendiri.. Aku tak de perasaan.. but nvm it's life.. Aku penat nak kecewakan orang dan mengecewakan orang... Aku nak bagi peluang pada diri aku serta org lain utk perbaiki diri dan fikir what's best for yourself... 

Aku nak mulakan hidup baru.. aku nak focus pada realiti pada masa hadapan.. 
#SupportAku #KisahSeorangAku #HidupDalamKegelapan 


P/S : Actually aku tgh ting tong sebab terlalu ngantok.. i d k what im saying or typing.. its all in my head i guess.. Good Night..



#HSP 18 : H E A R T L E S S

 


Assalamualaikum... 

People can be so mean sometime.. 
But it just a midst of hardship that we need to get through.. 
You dont need to act mean to be one.. 

How it felt when the person you loved dont love you the same way.. 
Usually you will feel terrible after a long time of waiting.. 
And you get tired of waiting for something that not even possible..
How would you feel ? 
Currently i dont feel anything.. 
Happy nor sad.. 
My brain could not process the word of " let's just be friend " 

Maybe somehow all the time you waiting you have moved on accidently.. 
Is it possible for that to happen? 
Im not sure of that.. 
If you are destined to be together then you will be together.. 
Another phrase that my brain could not processed.. 

Maybe i'll just let it go.. 
Or specifically let her go.. 
Yet i kept stalking her and im not hurt? 
I dont know this feeling.. 
Heartbroken?? 
Heartless?? 
I kept thinking maybe in the future there will still a chance.. 
For me.. 
For us.. 
To be together.. 
You know miracle do happen.. 
I will keep that thought in my mind.. 



P/S : luahan hati yang tak berapa nak tersakiti.. tak rasa apa2.. kosong.. no heart no soul.. currently not in a good condition.. busy cari tempat praktikal.. sakit kepala pikir hal yang tak setel lagi.. cuti semester pon x macam cuti jer. sorry macam biskut kejap ada kejap takde.. buat masa ni tak ada komitmen untuk menulis.. haha sebab takde idea nak cerita apa.. have a nice day fellas.. 

#HSP 17 : Selamat Ulang Tahun Kelahiran

Assalamualaikum wbt..

 

I just want to wish a happy birthday to myself because only fews yang remember my birthday. 

Dear self, 

Happy 20th Birthday to you. 
May Allah bless you and give you success in life.
Be a good son to your mom and dad. 
Be anak yang soleh. 
Proved to them that you can success in what ever you do. 
You dont need a thousand wish form anyone. 
Most important is that your family will always be there with you 
whenever you have a good or hard time. 

Thank you mom and dad. 
I will always love you forever and ever.

#HSP 16 : T r u t h H u r t s

Assalamualaikum..

"Loving can hurt, Loving can hurt...." photograph by ed sheeran was played on the radio. whatta lonely night, i guess it will be a long night for me. Suddenly this feeling i cant describe how hurt it is. Im in dilemma cause im holding on to her for such a long time. i dont know if i will get through this or not.  Even though i have tried to moved on before, but i can't. 


"i always act like i'm fine and everyone thinks i'm okay, but when the lights are off and i'm all alone. that's when my tears start to fall

What's so special about her ? Im barely knew her but i knew we had the same taste, we shared the same thought and all that things, But... *sighhss* we're not shared the same feelings. im wondering what is her feeling, the way she look at me, the way she think of me, who am i to her... all day and all night.

"Im a paradox, neither happy or sad. i smile at pretty things, laugh at funny things, but at night i become a mess of emotions and thoughts."


I was once, confess to her how i feel about her. Then, how stupid i am to not give her the chance to explain, to tell the truth about her feeling towards me, i "friendzoned" her. Too afraid to know the truth, I shut her off, Too afraid that the situation will be awkward, I shut her off. I realized  how stupid i am to let myself covered with ego. I hope that one day im brave enough to accept the truth before its too late. 


I just want you to know, 


I'm only one call away
I'll be there to save the day
Superman got nothing on me
I'm only one call away

Call me, baby, if you need a friend
I just wanna give you love
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon
Reaching out to you, so take a chance
No matter where you go, know you're not alone

I'm only one call away
I'll be there to save the day
Superman got nothing on me
I'm only one call away

Come along with me and don't be scared
I just wanna set you free
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon
You and me can make it anywhere
For now, we can stay here for a while
Cause you know, I just wanna see your smile
No matter where you go, know you're not alone

I'm only one call away
I'll be there to save the day
Superman got nothing on me
I'm only one call away

When you're weak I'll be strong
I'm gonna keep holding on
Now don't you worry, it won't be long
Darling, if you feel like hope is gone
Just run into my arms

I'm only one call away
I'll be there to save the day
Superman got nothing on me
I'm only one, I'm only one call away
I'm only one call away
I'll be there to save the day
Superman got nothing on me
I'm only one call away
I'm only one call away
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